Sunday, February 8, 2009

Day 2

Woke up feeling worse. My body ached big time. My head felt like it had been hit by a baseball bat. I vomitted.

A few spoonfuls of chicken porridge was all I could muster. A cup of coffee and my medication. That was it.

Sean is oblivious to his mommy's feeling, oh how wonderful it is to be a child. He's sad his pet is gone. While having breakfast he saw a cat on the patio and he said, "Poor Knut. No one is looking after her." I bit my lips in an effort not to show my sadness about the situation. Outside, Beano, our neighbor's Australian Silky Terrier, is barking for Knut, his usual routine every morning. He gets really excited if he sees Knut. Guess he's got no playmate any longer. We leave the sliding door ajar every night and day in case Knut comes back.

I've to shower. Roy has bought movie tickets to watch a movie at Pavilion KL. I don't really feel like leaving the comfort of my couch and sweat pants. Sean's watching Open Season 2 on DVD. At least that has managed to put a smile on my face. My guys are great for setting a mood...

Alrightie, gotta go now.

Sliding door will remain open.

Knut The Lovely

I’m so sad I don’t even know how to begin. This time I can’t really compartmentalize my feelings, I can’t divide my thoughts and really all these emotions are making me sick. Like sick I fell ill. I haven't been feeling up to the weather since last week but what happened yesterday had officially put me in the ill category. I’m drained out though I try so hard not to cry my eyes out but I’m just mentally tired now. See how I digress..?

My kitten is missing. My lovely baby is gone. Memories of her keep reeling in my head, from the first time I saw that tiny scrawny little kitten trying to make it across the road that night when our car was at the traffic lights about to turn into our neighborhood, to how I begged my husband to go get her and how I will take care of her as in clean her potty and bathe her and feed her also groom her to how my husband refused at first knowing how his wife always gets away not fulfilling the first one. Oh how I begged and begged thinking then the chance was so slim as we had driven past the guard post when Roy so sweetly pulled over and got out of the car and out of the area to get my little baby from across the road. It’s funny how you know something is meant to be yours the first time you lay eyes on it.

When we took the little kitten in it was barely a month old, the tiny quivering body with prominent ribcage that had never had human contact before based on how she had bitten Roy’s hand when he tried to feed her with kitten food. Roy practically screamed with pain and she wouldn’t let go of his hand until Roy had to yank the bloodied hand away. We didn’t even know what to call her. Heck we didn’t even know if it was a girl or a boy as it was too small tell. All of us came up with all sorts of name, my son wanted to call her Speedy seeing her pace running around playing with the toy ball we gave her. I thought Speedy wasn’t it. Then I thought of Zorro because of the black fur around her eyes which resembled Zorro’s mask. Anyway I still felt it wasn’t the name for her. Until I remembered how I used to love Knut the polar bear, I knew it will grow to be as cute as Knut. Yes Knut is a male name, but she responded to that name. And so it was. Knut. Noot-noot when I buried my face in her tummy. Noot-noot when I called her inside for her milk when she was playing in the lawn. Noot-noot when she kissed my face all over before she crept under the cover to sleep between my feet.

There she is with the laundry.

Four months on and how she had grown. Physically she was bigger, fatter, no protruding bones anymore, as active as ever with beautiful shiny fur. I thought I was being biased but when a few friends came over one night for a round of card game saw her and complimented her looks I knew I wasn’t being biased. My parents especially my mom loved her. She slept with us every night. Without fail. Even if she had spent her day in and out of the house (she’s not a house cat per se) she would come back at bedtime. She would wake up with us in the morning, fight with Roy over who got to use the bathroom first (her potty’s in the bathroom Roy uses) then she would rush upstairs to my bathroom and stayed in there while I showered for work. She would sit curiously across the room looking at me getting ready putting my make up on, getting dressed and making the bed. I would carry her, cuddle with her for the last time before carrying her downstairs and making my way out.

Last night was the last I saw of her. We played outside and I saw her sprawling in front of my neighbor’s house and a little girl called to her and tried so hard to touch her. Anyone who has cats would know how snobbish a cat could be. A cat will come when it wants to, not when it’s called. My Knut was that except towards her family. My Knut was actually a scaredy cat. She’s even scared of our gardener whom she sees everyday. When the trash truck comes round she’d dash inside and hide behind the curtains. She wasn’t as friendly as our other cats before her (when I’m ready I’ll tell you about Louis and Louis the 2nd). But she was a lovable one to those she’s close to and familiar with. I found out from my neighbor today that her daughter loved playing with Noot-Noot. I’m glad other people found her adorable and lovable.

Knut has not come back for two nights now. Last night Roy went out on a search after midnight seeing how she hadn’t come back. Today all of us went on a few rounds of search again. No sight of her. Word has been put out. I can’t bring myself to put up posters around the neighborhood because that will just tear me apart seeing her pictures all over and coming back to an empty house. No more Knut curling at our feet, no more wet dripping kisses at night, no more the naughty girl who played with the neatly folded laundry and no more soft purr in my ears.

There she goes again.....
Tonight I realize maybe she wasn’t meant to be mine anyways.

Wherever she is I hope she is safe. Whomever she is with I hope he or she will love Knut and care for her. I hope she remembers my love for her.

I don’t think I’ll be ready for any more cats after this. Three times is just too many.

Excuse me, but I think the dam's gates have opened.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I think I need a holiday

This morning when I was about to leave for work I almost had a heart attack. I couldn't find my favorite Bally shoes. The past week the roads in our area are being resurfaced and that means strangers are free to walk up and down the street. We live in a private and guarded area so we never close our gates, one because we don't have those electric remote control gates and two, it rains almost everyday nowadays so I hate to get myself wet while opening the gates, which I will if we keep them closed.

Imagine me not finding my shoes. I shrieked and asked frantically to my husband if someone had entered into our compound and took my shoes from the shoe closet. Hubby was as scared as me, but more for fear of our house being trespassed more than anything else obviously. I frantically ran to the store room. Looked in the Bally boxes, no black heels in sight. I was already hyperventilating. Ran to the patio and raided the shoe closet there. Opened my gardener's storage/closet. Didn't find them there too. I was already close to tears and ready to call in sick. I ran back to the store inside the house and looked in EVERY box. And there they were, my Bally heels. Tucked safely in a Nine West box. What was I thinking keeping shoes astray from their rightful box?

Why did I react this way today? Could it be because dear Ruby wrote a tragic post of missing shoe collection and that I totally feel her pain? After the bad days at the office I wasn't prepared for more in my private life.

I keep forgetting things nowadays. I need a holiday. Or maybe a shrink.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It's My Blog and I'll Whine If I Want To


Hmmm been a while since I last wrote. And all postings had been put on halt due to crazy schedule and manic turn of events at work. Well now since I possess the will to write I shall tell you about the turn of event of my life at work last week.

As most of you would've already known, I was a SAHM previously until I decided to get back to work full time in March this year due to a too-good-to-resist offer as an Office Manager. I wish I could say it was to good due to its monetary factor, but no, I gave that up for the location (5 minutes drive from home) and portfolio (relatively less stress than my old portfolio in terms of travelling and work load). In my life before as a career woman I was the Head of Corporate Communications at a telecommunication company that is affiliated (a subsidiary actually) to the monopoly in terms of almost everything telecommunications in Malaysia. I can say that I am used to office politics, even I wasn't spared from directors' bereaucracy. What I will not get used to is petty and/or personal attacking colleagues/superiors and unprofessional work manner. This, my peeps, is the root cause to my whining. Those who can't take it, please proceed to the online stores in teh Interweb for your holiday shopping, you're better off doing that than complain later why I shouldn't whine. Like I said in my title post, it's my blog so go figure. Yes, I may be small and look nice, but I was also born with the ability to snap and bite.

I had my probation assessment done last week after a 2 month delay due to my direct superior's secondment to another company and getting a time together had been a challenge. Nevertheless the time was made anyway last Thursday. Before we went on formally my boss (hereinafter refered to as Person #1) actually pushed the papers aside and "talked". I sensed it was the kind of talk a guy gives his girlfriend before saying "We're not right for each other", only this wasn't that, nor was Person #1 firing me, but the kind that tells you to buck up for what's coming next. He was very professional through it all, and remained so till the end and I had no qualms whatsoever. But when he started telling me that prior to seeing me he consulted the second person in line (hereinafter refered to as Person #2) because of his being away for 3 months now and Person #2 supervising me in his absence was the moment my gut feelings were cemented. After the whole gammut of "How do you think you're doing here?", "How do you like working with the people here?", yada yada yada, Person #1 began this whole thing about him being different, how he knew what that felt like and that he didn't mean it in any bad way at all. Uh huh, I knew where he was getting at. Person #1 conveyed to me that he gathered from Person #2 that some people at the workplace expressed difficulty communicating with me because of my "socio-economy standing", my "personality" and my "background". These are not the people in the same company I work in rather those attached to our sister companies and under the same roof.

My whine #1: since when being different is bad?

Whine #2: so if other people can't communicate well with me, it's my fault???

Person #1 analogized me further with the owner cum Executive Chairman's daughter (who's also a staff). Now, this was a lady of extreme wealth and social standing, dresses designer from head to toe and carefree (at last that's what I think). In my heart of course I was flattered, come on, admit you like that too when you get it. But feling flattered and irritated over the same thing is crazy, no?

To that person/s who couldn't/can't communicate with me because of me: Fuck you! Fuck your twisted mind!

This being done, Person #2 joined us to commence the joint evaluation. A set of questions were run through, 1 to 5 points style, 5 being the highest. I hover between 3 and 5 in all categories. It got personal when Person #1 wanted to rate me 5 and Person #2 mentioned (with me there) she never got a 5 and she never gave a 5 (except for another friend of mine - of course I know, I'm the office manager! I handle all documents), and "Why should she get a 5?". S.H.I.T. Because I'm good, duhhhh. To strike a balance between them I looked on while box number 4 was checked. F.U.C.K.

Might I add that our evaluation form was a lousy one even Person #1 couldn't believe such a point system was still in use. Anyways, we sailed through and Person #1 tried the best to give me a high rating, and after 2 rounds of doing so I admitted to feeling indifferent when he asked.

Whine #3: why are you complaining now, surely you have seen this form before evaluating Person #2? She reports to you too. Aaaaah no, she got confirmed over talking over lunch downstairs.... (nope didn't make this one up, Person #2 merely answered when I asked.)

Whine #4: I am tired with myself already thinking why the hell wasn't I my usual inquisitive self during the assessment....



Person #2 apologized to me the next day and admitted she wasn't good at managerial matters. Chill dude. I'm professional. And I expect you to be one too.

Whine #5: you don't apologize after blatantly and intentionally bashing someone, especially after a work appraisal. GOSH!!



Person #2 requsted for new set of business cards early last week. I ordered 2 boxes. Today she tells me I have to design a new internal requisition form for purchases like this after I handed her the purchase order to sign. She says she might not want to order 2 boxes if she had known the price (she's ordered 2 sets before, each different than the last. 2 blocks for printing have been created for her. 1 box of card = RM35. 1 block = RM17. Hang on a minute, is she complaining over a 70 bucks worth of purchase that she instructed me to do???). Don't give me that condascending "Sometimes our memory doesn't serve us right" when you won't admit your state of mind. Do it like I do, ADMIT you're forgetful. I won't blame you for it because I know you're a busy woman.

Whine #6: why oh why did you ask me to create a monthly burn sheet if you don't check it?!?!

Whine #7: I might as well be the Admin Department and Human Resources Department on top of the Office Manager post I'm holding. Why do we want to duplicate and replicate this process when all she can do is ask the Admins for all the forms and estimations on earth when she needs to????


To the bitches and man-bitches in the company with communication defficiency syndrome, fuck yourselves! I don't have to like you to do my job and vice versa. I am there to work. Not make nice. If I dropped dead y'all still work, wontcha?? Save your hypocrite selves for someone else.

Now my take on how I look: "Don't hate me coz I'm beautiful!" MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Say A Little Prayer

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Bonus Post

OK, let's kill two birds with a stone. Peeps, here's a proof to assure you I'm well and okay, kicking and alive, and trying too hard to look as cheery as possible at work today. Don't regret you asked, teeheeee....